Talking to Kids about Race

"Hey, Nicole!" My neighbor shouts from his driveway as I get my mail. "Hey!" I wave back with my fist full of bills and junk mail. "Those sure are some WHITE legs!" He laughs all the way back to his door. And, this my friends is how I know for a certainty that it is in fact springtime. It's our tradition, not unlike the groundhog emerging from his burrow. I wear shorts for the first time in months. My neighbor yells how white I am, occasionally shielding his eyes from the blinding glare of it. Welcome springtime. This was added onto "Hey, is that a beer belly!?" I got from across the way for two entire pregnancies.

So there it is. We've all got a color. Some more glaring than others, apparently. But, here's the thing. We think young kids don't notice. Or, we think that in their innocence kids aren't capable of prejudice. So, research shows that we, White Nurturers, aren't talking about it. We're avoiding it or whispering skin color in conversation so we don't bias our little blank slates in pig tails so they will continue to remain pure in thought. Y'all, we are SO wrong.

Nurture, say hello to Nature. We are all cognitively predisposed to take in info and put it into categories--quickly. We focus on the big things that help our little brains classify it quickly--ooh, color. That'll work. It's a mental short cut really. Instead of processing all of the traits of the individual we like to jump to focus on the one thing that's a category heading-- Black, White and then in that category we have a lot of characteristics that we can pull from-- like smart or good dancers or dishonest. So, we stereotype--shove people into our brain's category and then assume based on characteristics we have for that category--our prejudice. But, surely sweet little punkin over there snuggling that little bear with those big doe eyes doesn't have prejudice. Ummm, yeah. 3 year olds are already fitting things into male and female categories based on mom and dad. They might think men work, women do laundry, for example. Grace, age 3, told me once "Daddies don't clean bathrooms, right?" Serious stank eye to the Mister. Came home to a sparkling toilet bowl.

I helped a grandpa pick out a doll for his granddaughter at Target last week. While trying to keep an eye on my fugitive 1 year old I grabbed the black doll of the brand I recommended. "Not THAT one!" he said. "Well, get what you want," I said. "We play with dolls of different colors."There was a sweet time when I told Grace, around age 2 that she could select a doll. She chose a black one. Into the basket it went and was purchased without me blinking an eye. I was going to thoroughly enjoy the innocent time when Grace wanted a baby that didn't look like her. She didn't care even if she did notice. She still plays with it and I've seen how it disturbed one mama who said "oh, a multicultural doll". Yeah, that doll even speaks a couple of languages. Say, what mama-multicultural? When Grace was 4 I told her I'd like to get her a treat. There were two small dollies. I picked a black and white one. "Mommy, why are you getting this one?" The black one. "People are all colors. I'd like some dollies of all colors," Oh. Into the cart. 2 years. Innocence lost.

Here's the other thing. Nature, how ya doing? We're also predisposed to think of people who don't look like us as more negative. We like, no we LOVE to have a group. And to have an in-crowd, we've got to have outsiders. We're group oriented. Our ancestors depended on it for their survival and we're stuffed full of their genes. We're drawn to people who look like us--easy to define our in-group. I knew instantly in looking at Ben's new classroom of 2 year olds who he'd be drawn to. Yep, I was right. Best friends with the blonde haired blue eyed girl who looks just like Grace, his playmate at home. And, Grace trusts ALL people with the name Jack-- the name of her baby brother and her first best boy friend in preschool.

In an experiment in which kids were randomly assigned to wear certain colored shirts, and the experimenters never mentioned anything about shirt color, kids naturally started to flock to people wearing the same color. Red kids played with red kids, blue with blue. What's more they rated people of different shirt colors as more negative traits-- more likely to lie, more likely to be unkind. Yep. And this phenomenon has been shown with young kiddos with race. Parents rate their kids as not having biases but when we ask said punkins about their thoughts on people of different skin color they rate them more negatively. And, research also shows it's not enough to just expose them to diversity to eliminate this prejudice.

It's inspiring and hopeful that the world embraces diversity much more than in the days of our parents. Actually, even when I was a wee tot I remember parents whispering in disapproval at the pick up line about the only black student that joined my private school. Scandal. My mother swept me away quickly. And, when I worked at a medical college as a research assistant part of my job was to help lit reviews on why there was a disparity of care-- doctors were deriving diagnoses based on how it fit their schema or category for a race. For example, white doctors were more likely to assume certain symptoms were from drug use if the patient was black, as one example. We've still got it. We've come a long way, but we've still got it and we still have some work to do improving it.

Ok, Nurturers mount up. We can turn this around. Here's what researchers have found does turn around how kids change how they think about race:

1. Stop pussy footing around the pink elephant in the room. Call that sucker pink and the the elephant next to it purple. Punkin, we're all different colors.

2. Ask that kiddo what he thinks about different colors of skin. You might be surprised at their theories. Here's a good opportunity to chat about why people are different colors. We all look similar to our parents, and they to their parents, etc. Grace got a card in the mail before Ben was born. The card had black and white babies on it. Ooh!! She said, I can't wait to see what color our baby will be! Tommy looked panicked. But, only for a brief second:)

3. Here's the tough part for a lot of white moms. In a study where white parents were asked to do the following, many withdrew from the study refusing to do it because they didn't want to point out differences (hello, your little baby already notices them): Talk to the kiddo about how a lot of people make assumptions just based on color and our family values friendship with an individual and we're not concerned with what color you are. Turns out when moms id have the Talk, it improved their kids prejudices.

4. And, here's my personal 2 cents. In our family, someone says or does something you know is wrong we expect them to take an action-- sometimes using your voice to tell someone to stop. Or, simply going and standing in front of a child being bullied if you can't find your voice. If it gets bad, find a teacher. But, we teach that watching and doing nothing is wrong. And waiting for another to step up means you might be waiting all day cuz baby, they're waiting on you. Act. and Act Right Away.
Grace is a quiet, shy little thing but she's got a fire for an underdog. My favorite story of Gracie sticking up for a little one was at the playground at the mall. A little boy pushed a 9 month old. Grace marched her tail over to him and said "We do not hit babies. I don't want to see that again" The mom came over and thanked Gracie afterwards. The world has a minority of bullies and victims and a sea of onlookers if only they'd realize they're an army.

Finally, we've got to take a good look at ourselves. What biases do we have? When we tell a story are we saying "Oh, and then my black friend said..." Umm, trying to show off that we actually have a black friend? Ok, well congrats to you. Or, are we so focused on it that we need to point out their color so that someone hearing the story can get a better idea of what that person was like based on what we think is important in defining them. Wow, that's not flattering for us. When we go into a room of people we don't know do we approach people who don't look like us? Are we putting limits on love for all? Are we saying, be friends with people of different colors but don't date them.

But, we've got to start the talk around age 4-6. Now. By third grade the Talk is less effective in changing how kids think about race. Check out Nurture Cracked. Awesome book. I've had the talk. Have you? Come on, surely you have some thoughts on this. Comment box below.

Nurturing the Mother

I hear a lot of new moms say, "you are a supermom!" and "you've just got everything together". Mama, I'm from Georgia so I speak that language of the south. For some of you there's a part of you that's also saying "I'd really like to punch her right in the face right about now". Come on, admit it. I know you're thinking it. Look, no one who really knows me says that it looks like I've got everything together because they are the ones who are waiting for me at the museum for our playdate. I'm late AGAIN or they see me looking exhausted and losing stuff or wearing a hideous outfit with my wet hair that I never have time to blow dry. They see my disaster of a living room and they are rescuing Benjamin who just ran off and I didn't notice he was gone. Some days I'm rolling and some days I'm a mess. That is the story of every mom. But here's the thing. When I was wearing the new mom hat I was a mess just about every day whether it showed or not or people really knew how much I was struggling. When I saw a mother of three smiling and seeming to love her role and she seemed like she had it figured out I wanted to smack that woman all around town.
New mother, let me take a moment to nurture you. Your world just got turned upside down. You have to learn a person and the new language of parenting. For the first time you have to be completely 100% vulnerable. You've got the daunting task of rearing a human to be all that he or she can be and you are isolated from others who have gone through it. Maybe you have a framework and experience enough to stand tall during that transition but I did not. I was truly so depressed I wonder now how I got through it without a hospitalization. Truly. I was so obsessed with getting parenting right and protecting my daughter from absolutely everything that I could barely function. I smiled a whole lot on playdates so no one would really understand how hard it was for me but depression and the feeling of being so overwhelmed controlled my life. I don't remember parts of those days. Literally. I had convinced myself I was so undeserving of my daughter that surely the "mistake" of God giving her to me would be righted. Ugly truth is that I might be talking to you about where I found her hairbow at this little store yadda, yadda and I was planning that I would use that outfit for her funeral. I was that convinced that God would take her from me. I didn't trust myself. There were times when I thought that I might throw her across the room. I even had the thought that I had made a terrible mistake. There were a lot of hormones involved with that depression plus a lot of me just not being prepared. It was the single hardest phase of my life. It wasn't until a dear friend of mine, Erin Wallin explained to me postpartum depression that I realized what I had. I read Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields and realized that the crazy thoughts I was having about harming my child were not that uncommon with postpartum. So, girl when I tell you that this difficult work, I mean it. And, there are days when I still struggle. Scroll down to the picture of me in a hospital gown surrounded by my loving family and clinging to Jack. Don't I look happy? Yes, I was AND I was scared to be left alone with my baby. Terrified. He was my third you'd think I would know what I was doing. Well, I did. However, with the hormones and the drugs I couldn't work through some things and every time I was left alone I would cling to Jack like we were on a life boat in the middle of turbulent waters just in case I lost myself and threw him on the ground. I'm telling you, I go a little nuts. And for me with the first few weeks of a baby that is normal. And, it's normal when you have lost some freedom and you have had no sleep and your marriage is changing and you realize you don't have everything to care for a baby but you're trying to do it all anyway and you feel like you're failing and you're completely isolated and hormonal to have the thought, I've made a mistake. Don't waste energy beating yourself up for that. This is the transition. Some handle it better than others. But, if you are looking at me with my organizational systems, parenting books and perky picture and thinking that I've always had this thing down and it was natural for me then you are wrong, wrong, wrong.
Here's how I started changing. I'm in my flow now. I LOVE my life. I love my kids, I feel like I'm doing it to the best that I can. Probably happier than I've ever been. Here's some real advice from a mama who believes in REAL.
A lot of people will tell you-- don't lose yourself in parenting. Girl, that does not mean think you are too good to participate in the ridiculousness of Kindermusik or think you are too cool to sing the Wonder Pets song at the top of your lungs or to drive a mini van or to wear comfortable shoes. NO. This is your chance. Throw yourself into these things. It's your shot. Do it. Here's the catch. Don't throw yourself into parenting, re-write yourself into parenting and do it fully. How are you defining your new life? Honey, I'm telling you this with love. Your life is going to change. Its ok to mourn the last chapter of your life. You deserve to be able to be a little sad about not being able to go out when you want or feel like you miss the carefree life without so much responsibility. Mourn having to share your husband with a child who wants to constantly take away time that you used to have all to yourselves. So, here's where the re-writing comes in. If all you are doing all day long is mommy stuff you are going to repeatedly ram your head into the wall. Throw yourself into it when you with your kids. Be uninhibited with it. Drive that mini van and surrender that SUV because you know it's not as practical for RIGHT NOW. These crazy days are not going to last forever. That's the good and bad news. Buy sassy girl shoes but don't try to be a superstar on the playground. Geez lady. You're not that cool.
But you also need a fire in your soul to fuel the kind of energy that it takes to do all that. Are you getting beaten down with the same housework and ALL the child-rearing responsibilities. You have a partner. Does your partner know how to get your child ready for school? Does he have good input for how and what you should be teaching them? Does he get up in the middle of the night? Does he know how to comfort your child, put them to bed, initiate family activities? And be honest, are you the foxy lady he fell in love with? Are you still bold and vivacious? Are you interesting or will you just not shut up already about laundry and poop schedules. There is fuel and excitement in a nourished partnership. And be honest. Do you need to work on some things with a counselor. Woman up and do it. And, go on dates. And look your hottest. Please read Mom (v) below for redefining your role as mother as an industrial psychologist and coach and not martyr and maid. Is your week a drudgery? Cleaning up the same house week after week only do the same monotony the next week? Read A Call to Arms below on how to redefine your home as a family and invest everyone in its care. Also read A Call to Arms where I discuss rearing children who are a joy to parent and teach-- giving them the gift of self-reliance and the feeling of importance so they are APPRECIATIVE and team members. That has got to be done, mama.
Here's what else people will tell you. You've got to take care of yourself. Get some rest. Yes, by all means. Read "Keeping it Real on Sleep" below. PRIORITY. And then well meaning others will advise pampering-- get a manicure, treat yourself to a shopping trip. Woo hoo! Yes, go. There's a sale on at Banana Republic. But don't mistake bandaide for healing.
My sister in motherhood, you are malnourished. You have a NEED for friendship. Go out without kids. Show your kids you value friendship (I mean that's what you've been telling them all summer before preschool) and have a girls night. Support your friends. Allow them to support you.
You have a physical self. Stop freaking eating crap. I mean it. Stop it. You're eating because you're stressed. Who can blame you? Now find what you need to destress and do it. I learned this lesson after 1,594 chocolate chips. And, if you think you are doing any favors by eating after everyone else does or just picking off their plates you are telling your kids you don't deserve it. If you don't see yourself as deserving food, good luck convincing your children that you are worth their respect. If I don't workout, I am not at my best. This is FUEL for the fire that's needed to parent.
You have a creative self maybe. Some more than others. I pulled myself out of a depression by researching the art world of the 19th century in france for two years. I've written 100 pages into a novel about that time period. That's how depleted I was in meeting the basic needs of caring for an infant. I had to start writing a danged book. I'm still working on it. Whether it goes anywhere or not it was me expressing myself creatively and even if a publishing company doesn't sweep it up, my children will have it. But one fact remains: It had to be written to nourish myself out of a very dark place.
You have an intelligent self. For me, if this is not nurtured, I will completely lose myself in parenting without any kind of safety rope. I must be reading. I must be learning and be challenged. If not, game over. I'm totally cool at singing the ABCs all day if after they go to bed I am able to work on research. I work with a professor at Duke right now. I get less sleep because of it but all the sleep in the world won't help me grin and bear it through candyland five times in a row. I'd be so depleted if I didn't fill that self with some yummy statistics. When I got really desperate I started reading Steven Hawking and the physics of the Universe. When I took the psych GRE 9 weeks after my third child was born people thought I was setting myself up for failure. Not so. I knew myself well enough to know that in meeting the basic needs of a newborn I would be so depleted and brain dead that I would gobble up studying. And I did. I did notecards while nursing in the middle of the night and Tommy would push me out the door to study for an hour or so here and there while the baby slept. I scored 100 points higher than I did when I took it as a psych major in college. That's how much having a newborn depleted me and I knew how to fill that need. Guess what. No postpartum depression issues like with the first two kids. I was a better mom to Jack during those 9 weeks than I was for my first two children.
And, we have a spiritual self. My weakness. Thanks again to my friend Erin for finally telling me "God is pursuing you" and convincing me that I was NOT doing what my family and I needed to fill our spiritual selves. She was right. Couldn't get rid of a stomach ulcer until she told me that I could psychoanalyze some issues all I wanted but they wouldn't completely go away until I sought God's help. Right again.
And, finally I parent as is right for me. I throw myself into it. I dive into children's books and make them come alive in our house. I make my stairs the mayflower, I hide from Indians in our woods, I sing, I go on pirate hunts. I've got one chance on giving them a happy childhood and I love losing inhibitions and just doing that. I get to be a kid again a bit too. I get to read books in silly accents and dance around like a fool. Turns out telling your kids to clean their room in a British accent really works. Mary Poppins can shove her spoon full of medicine. It's all about the accent.
If you have a child who is an infant for a few months you are going to just be meeting basic needs. There will be no dialogue, no fun interactive time. You risk real depletion. Not everyone is like that. Some crave the snuggling. But, I had very difficult babies and I got pretty depleted. If this is you then refuel again and again so you can be fully present and responsive to that sweet angel.
Be kind to yourself. Speak kindly to yourself and BE the health you want for your children. Be it all, in not being it all. Do it all, just not all at once. Find what you are missing what passions you have neglected and fuel the fire.
We recently went to the Tweetsie Railroad and met two little darlin little baby goats and their mother. All the children were trying to feed the baby goats who weren't interested a lick in our corn. Hey, I said. Everyone's feeding those little punkin goats. Take a look at that mother goat. How much milk do you think she has to make? What do you think it's like for her to be taking care of those little ones all day? I had a team of little kids feeding that hungry, mama goat. And it was the best thing we could do for her babies. So, I hope that in writing this, my sister goat, I have fed you. Pass this on if you know a mother who needs nourishment.

A Call to Arms

Something is happening to our country and it terrifies me for what my children are inheriting. I've heard a lot of people say, the world's just gone crazy and it seems like maybe it really is. Teen pregnancy- up, Child abuse, child pornography, violent acts, drugs, drugs and more drugs-- you got it. Way up. Suicide and bullying are of course UP. What is happening here? It's in the classroom too. Did you know that schools are now inflating their grades because current students aren't performing like students just one generation back? My dad is a professor at Wake Forest University in the business school. He's been mandated to puff up his grades. There's a new standard for the SATs and the GREs. We're in serious financial debt as a country in part because everyone has overextended. What is going on here?!?!?! Plain and simple: our culture has changed. We used to be a country of a lot of hardworking farmers and pioneers. Everyone in a family was getting on the job training-- you worked right alongside your daddy who taught you what you would need to do when you were a daddy. Kids felt essential to the survival to their family and they were. People who feel needed are less likely to be looking to get knocked up at 16 just to have someone of their own to love and need them. They are also less likely to kill themselves. Also, you had kids learning their boundaries the natural way-- you forget to close the gate for the cows, that really stinks for you kid. Looks like you're going to be getting them all back in. You don't work, you don't eat. Simple. You had a community, a purpose and you learned at a very early age how to take care of yourself and your family through hard work. Pioneers and farmers learned strength of character, determination, not giving up and the direct link of hard work and fruits of their labor. And, kids were different. The teenager "issues" of today were not even in existence back in the day. Of course you respected your mom and dad. For one thing you were doing the works that they did to provide for you. You had a real respect. Then times changed. People started moving into cities and parents who were once staying home to work side by side with their kids were off at the office. Kids were not as challenged to do for themselves as they were in the last generation. And, their parents who had worked their behinds off to give them a better life for their children were doing just that with respect to material things. Unfortunately, the challenge wasn't there to help develop some character in these kids. With the baby boom, schools were overwhelmed. They weren't prepped for the large generation entering first grade. Class size increased and kids just didn't have the same opportunities in a school that couldn't possibly handle everyone's needs. Hello, television. Did you know average kids are watching about 4 hours a day? Instead of going out and learning to entertain themselves down by the creek, kids were being entertained so that they didn't have to think. And, they were being entertained with shows that didn't exactly promote delayed gratification and self-reliance on getting the job done. One author I read even theorizes, with a lot of support, that children's brains are changing with a new style of learning-- technology and educational tv shows makes us learn to learn in a passive way during the sensitive period of our brain's development. We're not learning to analyze to learn, we're using mostly memorization and right brain skills-- our kids left brains aren't being nurtured and if you don't use it, you lose it. Those neurons are getting pruned back.
So, now here we are as a nation. We're falling way behind internationally in education. How many people overextended because they wanted the flashy house that then was foreclosed. And drugs. We're relying on slogans that say "just say no" and waiting until kids are teenagers when parents have spent their child's childhood trying to stamp out any negative emotion (here, don't have a fit! Just take the candy!) as fast as possible so that when they are teenagers they don't have a clue how to just sit with the feeling of disappointment or hurt so they turn to a quick fix--drugs--"just say no" be damned. There's even a name for this spoiled generation that feels entitled and doesn't like to work-- Millenians or Generation Me. And guess who's calling them that. Employers who are hiring college graduates who are less prepared, don't want to work and want the boss to fix things. Or, at least that's the reputation and now the prejudice against students who actually are strong candidates for a job. They have to prove themselves even more. This has been an issue for a lot of business companies who used to hire Wake Forest grads. One company even offered a course at Wake which was essentially to teach students how to be set apart from their Generation Me peers. Sad, isn't it? So, fellow Nurturers, how are we going to turn this around? This one is on us. The onus is on us to prepare our kids for the world that will inherit it when they fully enter in it independently.
I want my kids to have a gift. I want their bosses not to resent them because they understand respect. I want them to be inoculated against depression and being overwhelmed when they hit life transitions because they have the self-efficacy, the self-confidence and the self-reliance to take on the world. I want them to have friends who value them as friends because they are compassionate team players. I want their future spouse to get along with them easily because they know how to communicate really effectively-- not just through technology. I want their teachers to adore them because they see their class as a privilege and that their teacher is not in service of them. And I want them to know that they are needed in this family and that they have what it takes to be a leader in the world as well. I want them to have tolerance for uncomfortable feelings and not just run to a quick fix. I want them to feel proud of themselves. And I want them to truly find happiness and not mistake that pursuit for the pursuit of pampering and luxurious stuff. That's my vision for my children. It a goal that I think of every single day. Getting there is not easy.
Here's where many of you are going to think I'm the wicked witch. You're going to get defensive and the following statement is going to make a lot of you plain mad. Bring it. I very firmly believe that you can parent. just. plain. wrong, wrong, wrong. It's not enough to just love your child unconditionally and then find a style of parenting that works for you, meaning that you do what it takes to get through the day with your kiddos happy a lot of that day. Granted, we have to know our children and how to tailor their environment to best fit their needs. But, it's not enough validate how they are feeling and then change their environment so they will never ever feel a negative feeling-- rushing to get what they need so they don't have a little fit, begging them to come home with you from the park when they want to stay. It's not enough to make up for something they might feel negatively about by buying them a surprise for putting up with it. It's not enough to pay for things that they are ultimately doing for their own benefit-- good grades, putting their own clothes away in drawers or just plain teaching them that they get money for being a member of your family-- here's your allowance! It's not enough when we make the kiddo, the parent and allow them to make decisions that we know are really our decisions to make. Here's where I have and a nation of parents are steering wrong: we're not seeing the potential fully and we're not manning up and doing the work. We're parenting lazy. We're doing things for them that they are fully capable for doing-- getting them dressed, cleaning their room, making their breakfast. Fact. Telling your kids they are wonderful, beautiful people does not raise self esteem-- no, really. Proven FACT. Kids who are accomplishing things have higher self esteem. And, guess what, y'all. We're underestimating by a long shot of what they can do. We're supposed to be seeing what we think they are capable of and providing enough "scaffolding" so that they can build the tower as a metaphor for moving onto the next developmental milestone or achievement. You have to put them in a situation and actually give them the freedom to see what they can do to see how much you need to do to help them build higher. If we're constantly picking up before they get a chance, packing their school bags and laying out their outfits we're not even giving them a shot at it. And, we're invalidating them. We're telling them, we'll do this for you because we don't think you can. And, instead of seeing them be sad because they want a treat at the checkout counter and then validating that sadness we say, oh you're sad! I see how much you really want that. I'll get it for you! Instead, we could be saying, Oh, honey. I can see how very disappointed that you are that we can't get that gum today. He doesn't have to have the danged gum. He also doesn't have to have the wii, and the remote controlled car and the ice cream sunday because you worked late. Tantrums aren't bad. What do you care if someone gives you a stare? Once, I bent down to Grace as she lay on the grocery store crying and said "Oh, darling. You are embarrassing me. I just know you can kick harder than that for a good fit. Please try dear, people are watching" Then I went back to checking how much sugar was in the cereal box I was holding.
We're not giving them any responsibilities because we don't want to burden a child. We're complaining about homework while we're surpassed by other countries in math. We forget what is privilege--a good job, for example, and try to make up to it with our kids by giving them stuff. And, we forget that being able to go to school is a privilege and tell them that we'll learn this concept when you're completely motivated to do it and then make learning as fun as possible with as many bells and whistles as possible-- ooh, play this computer game and if you find the triangle, fireworks go off in the background. We're invalidating their capabilities, mistaking doing for them for giving them an opportunity to increase self esteem and pride and we are sending them into the world to fly solo with little ability to rely on themselves. We're not teaching them manners and respect and their teachers and employers are frustrated and resentful. And, we're not inoculating them by teaching them how to handle a negative emotion.
If there is one thing that I am most passionate about it is this: parenting. This blog is called Nurture-- taking what nature has given these children, in individual personalities, strengths, weaknesses and temperaments and changing the environment to best help them develop to reach their highest potential. You might have read my post, Keepin it Real on Sleep, and think that I take a "do what it takes" approach to how I parent my children in other areas besides getting them to bed. I definitely take a pretty lenient stance on sleep for children under the age of 2. For one thing, the reason I do is because I've worked really hard to understand child development. You have to change the approach and the environment based on where Punkin is in his development. I know that children are designed to survive. At the time when evolution was working on our species, you know when we were in caves and fighting off saber tooth tigers, children who were left away from parents in the night were likely to die. They got eaten by wild beasts. The ones who survived were the ones who cried their tails off to be near parents who could protect them. So, their genes got passed on. Generations later, welcome Grace, Ben and Jack who are packed with genes of their ancestors who were intensely bad sleepers by themselves but of course lived long enough to pass on that gene. I believe in spending that time when they are intensely anxious about separation in bonding. Responding to their cries, cuddling, soothing, nursing and lullabying. But, guess what. They move into a new stage of development and they must survive with skills of their own. They are evolutionarily designed to be self reliant at a certain age. At a certain point it's time to meet them where they are developmentally. Mourn the end of the baby chapter and start helping that kid gain the skills he'll need as an adult.
Here's how I handle things at my house based on the book Rasing Self Reliant Kids in a Self-Indulgent World: When you are ready to sleep in your own bed, you make it up. Around age 2. I take off the sheet and let them pull up the cover. When you are old enough to hold a fork and sit at the table, you're old enough to take your plate. If you spill it, you clean it up. If you can't play nicely with a toy, the toy is put away. If I say, it's time to go inside, the garage is closing and you're on the wrong side of the garage because you didn't listen, you're going to be sitting outside for a little while. If you can be taught to get dressed, then you do. If you are old enough for school, you're old enough to pack your lunch, lay out your clothes and get yourself completely dressed in the morning. I help when needed, try to stand back as much as possible and let them make those wonderful things called mistakes. I've tried to help by making some chore charts to help her plan out lunches and remember items to take to school (post on organization will show pictures soon). We taught the word "delegate" and she knows that in a pinch she can "take a big job and chop it into little jobs that you can ask for help with". My kids ask to help with making dinner, ask if they can try ironing, pulling weeds or if I PLEASE have any buttons that need sewing on. And guess what, these things are still leaving lots of time to play and be a kid but they understand that doing some chores is important to the running of our house. They feel important, needed and proud that they can handle responsibility on their level and that I trust them with it. I feel respected and appreciated. Even my two year old says "tank you fo dinnew (thank you for dinner)" unprompted because he knows that I put effort into it as he did the night before when he helped me with the stirring and when I have a little extra time in the mornings and make up Grace's bed she gives me a hug and says "thank you for the surprise!". I'm nurturing grateful hearts by not doing everything. Yes, I insist on being called ma'am just to remind them that we're not on the same level. I'm not a peer. I'm not a friend. I'm the boundary setter. Did you know that kids who have more clearly defined boundaries have higher self esteem rather than giving them the reigns? They're not equipped to decide what's safest, what's healthiest or what's the best way for them to learn. What's more, the choices that we do give them, we're claiming the consequence so they don't really learn the lesson. A kiddo draws on the wall and we get angry and furiously clean it up we often say things in hate. Or, we spank them and there's no natural link between the action and consequence. It's degrading and frankly not as effective as could be. Over 200 studies on behavioral management have shown that spanking isn't as other methods. Just make your wall artist clean it up. In the real world, your boss isn't going to shame you or smack you if you mess up. She's going to dock pay or fire you. If you forget to pay a bill without someone reminding you, you're going to not have any lights. I give my kids the gift of choice for things within reason. I offer a jacket, you refuse. Ok, you might be cold this time but I also give them the gift of a mom who doesn't nag or show frustration. We value working for something. And want to hear how mean I am? Tommy and I would like for the kids to have a job in high school and I'm not talking a little boutique so Grace can get a discount on cute dresses. If you can spend a summer working in a horse stable, what are you going to let hold you back after that? But, you might say, she won't ever have to do that with the opportunity for higher education she's had. Precisely, she's likely to be in a leadership position with people under her doing more of the dirty work. Better to be able to have appreciation and respect for your team in the workforce-- even the valuable crew who are cleaning toilets.
Grace has been saving for months for a treat from disney world when we go this spring. She's washed a lot of windows for it and whatever she gets is going to be a treasure to her. The dessert she purchased herself for her Friday lunch box could not taste sweeter to her. We value good old fashioned duty-- Benjamin didn't want to go to school one day. Benny, my love. You must go. You have big things to do in that classroom. You have friends who need your friendship, who need practice sharing and need to have fun with you. We can see how sad you are. It's ok to be sad. You have too big of things to do for us to say you can stay home today. When he came home he had a great time once he sat long enough with being sad and realized that his sister was right-- school is awesome. And guess what, our middle child came home and had the gift that only he could give himself-- pride. He had peed in a little potty and told us "My fwends needs a brudder". He knew that he was a great brother in our house, knew how important that role was and was proud that he was important to some of his younger friends in his class. I wouldn't have taken that from him for anything in the world. And we never lied. We knew what a huge deal it was for him to go to a new place without knowing a single soul. We knew it was going to suck the first day and we didn't try to talk him out of that fear or sadness. It is hard to parent that way. It's hard to see your child sad or disappointed. I knew I sent my little boy in his favorite cowboy shirt that I filled up his pocket with smooches and that's all he had. We have to do it anyway. We have to give them choices and let them own their failures and successes. We have to stop lying to them and saying "Even though you lost I think you are the best soccer player in the world"-- they'll never get better. We have to give them jobs in our homes so they feel like they are partners in its success and an important part of it. We have cohesiveness as a family and everyone understands their value to it. A messy playroom is a family problem. We have family meetings to problem solve together, talk about goals we all have individually and things we are proud of. True, the last meeting was mostly a Saints Football pep rally but Tommy united us as a family against the Bears so I guess it still works. We have to be strong enough to say "no" sometimes so they don't think the world owes them. What a gift to show a child that they make it through hard work instead of manipulation. Then we'll set them up for success-- real success and help change their generation or at least be set apart from their peers. If we're too strict, they will rebel. If we're too permissive they might get caught up with some of the wrong things. But, if we set the bar high and attainable, be available for support and help if needed and teach them how to rely on themselves, we give a gift beyond measure.
Word of warning-- this is exhausting parenting. Teaching a two year old to clean a spill is hard. Teaching a 5 year old how to organize what she'll need for her lunch box from the grocery store for the week is hard. But, our family flows now. I'm not resentful of people not doing their part or feeling unappreciated. I am a joyful parent. My kids are on the right path to self reliance and success. Right now we're starting good habits and I know that we'll be up against a lot of challenges in the future as they are more and more influenced by peers. We try to inoculate them against some of that by teaching analytical thinking and making the choice of courage and speaking your voice, and learning the hard lesson that what other people think about you is none of your business. Be you and you is wonderful-- not because we're telling you but because you discovered that for yourself. All of this does not mean I don't get frustrated or lose my patience sometimes. Sometimes I have to readjust and see that I'm putting too much or too little responsibility on them. It's all about balance and I'm doing the best I can even if it's not perfect. Still, I'm not guaranteed kids who don't do drugs or go through a teen pregnancy or aren't depressed. But, we've researched an made our parenting intentional and evidenced based so we feel like we're on track.
I highly recommend the book, Raising Self-Reliant Kids in a Self-Indulgent World. I also love Learned Optimism by Seligman. For Grace, we've tried to give her some role models. Hard to find them on film but here are some of the books that we've read that have role models of character and self-reliance: Horton Hatches an Egg for younger kids and some of Grace's favorite chapter books: A Little Princess, Little House on Prairie series, Black Beauty, The Boxcar Children, Island of the Blue Dolphins and right now we're reading Where the Red Fern Grows in which it takes the boy 2 years to earn enough money for dogs-- I mean, phew. I also recommend the original film, The Miracle Worker with the story of Helen Keller and the DISNEY version of Little House on the Prairie. We've had the best discussions. Think your child's not ready for chapter books? Have you tried? Their oral comprehension might be better than you think.
Part of knowing where a child can go is having a good framework and understanding of child development. So, let me add student to role of mama. This isn't easy. We're in it together so if you have good book ideas or helpful suggestions of what you do, PLEASE share it with me.
This is a call to arms. A call for us to put on the big girl britches and who our kids that we can do for ourselves too. We don't have to wait for Daddy to come home to put together a toy because it will involve a screw driver. We can do yard work, we can fix the broken sink. We can buy princess books-- yes you heard me. Buy them, discuss them and inoculate our girls against Helplessness dressed up with a tiara. We can set goals and do them and tell our kids how we set up a plan to run that half marathon. And, come on now. Let's all practice together. "No" and my favorite "Please kick a little harder on that tantrum, darling."

Keeping it real on Sleep.

When my first child was about 4 months old I came pretty close to a full out, hair pulling, claw scraping brawl with a loud mouth mom who was chatting it up about her brilliant infant who was just the best sleeper . Right there in between the displays of footed pyjamas and toddler bubble suits at Target. I decided against taking on Ms. Mama of the Year, only because I was just too damn tired. A sneak attack from a sleep deprived mother, educating her, guerilla mama warfare style, would have been just what she needed. "Ooohhh, I just feel soooo sorry for mothers who don't know how to get their babies to sleep." she went on. "My little darlin sleeps through the night. " Well, bully. for. you. Meanwhile, I looked like a lactating zombie with milk stains and mismatched outfit and was sleeping less than an hour at a time and trying everything.
For some reason, every where I turned, mamas were talking about how their child slept, comparing with others how long they could go and what brilliant methods they had used to teach them to do so. Sleep was MORE than sleep. It wasn't just for tired parents and their babies to fill a physiological need--rest to function. No, it was bigger than that. It was a reflection on how well you were doing as a mom and it was a start of how you were establishing yourself as the authority figure.. And, I totally bought into it. I had every book I could find on getting her to go to bed. I was in the stage of "I must teach you now that I am the authority here. I am not to be manipulated. You will go to sleep and I will teach you how to do it by yourself based on this expert's book." Cue the wiley coyote falling off a cliff sound bite in your head. Crash. Mama fail.
I tried for months and months and months. I tried everything to get her to sleep. In big part, let's be honest here folks, so that I could prove myself a supermom by having a brilliant sleeper. It's what we do with our first ones in our culture. We must compare our kids so that we can feel validated. However, you've got a small creature that mostly on poops, eats and sleeps. Hmm. Well, let's just focus on sleep. Great. It has numbers attached to it! Perfect, we've got a standard on which to compare. My Johnny sleeps 5 consecutive hours every night and wakes at 7. He takes 2 naps at 3:00. I used this method, blah, blah, blah. Awesomeness for Johnny who will probably be a NASA engineer because he's a great sleeper at 6 weeks. In truth, Johnny's mom was doing everything right. She had a kid with the potential for sleeping through the night. She knew her baby well and she knew how to set the environment for him. I was surrounded by new mothers who were telling me everything I needed to do to have a great sleeper too and they were encouraging me to not give in! It will only take 20 minutes of crying! Don't let them manipulate you! Sadly, they were taking a brilliant method for a baby that worked for their child who had that potential. They didn't know Grace whose mantra is "sleep is for the weak" and couldn't understand why I couldn't get this operation off the ground.
No ladies, the first night of "cry it out" lasted 3 hours and then she woke up every hour and cried more during the day. The next night was just as bad and the nights after that were too. If these methods worked for your family, then I truly am glad. We have lots to do during the day and we need to be rested for them. But, it has been my experience that "Sleep" has become the number one parenting focus for new mamas in the first year. Again, I think we like to be able to compare in our culture. Provide some universal metric system for assessing how we are holding up as new parents. We're used to feedback in school or in our job, we get thrust into parenting and we are desperate for reassurance that yes, we're doing an adequate job with the role of mama. So, we talk baby products and poop, nursing and sleep.
It is the number one thing new mothers ask me. "How do I get them to sleep?!" Here's my new answer. Believe me, back then I would have rambled off everything I had learned about alpha waves and baby's sleep cycles. Now, here's how I've re-written how I view kiddos and sleep. Brace yourself, this will be uncomfortable for anyone who is hoping for a hard and fast regiment in getting their babies to bed. Ok, here it goes on how to get your infant to sleep: I have no frickin idea and frankly, it's not a focus of my parenting. I don't know your kid. I don't know what you are trying to accomplish as a family. For us, we just say "someone looks tired, it's around the time we usually go to bed so lets just go to bed." We don't have hard and fast anything and it really, really works for us. For those who know me well, structure is kind of my thing. For those of you now laughing bc I like to spell OCD, CDO because alphabetizing the letters just feels better then you really know that liking structure is an understatement. We have a routine that we love-- books, books and more books. This one is going to get you too. I even ask my two year old "where do you want to sleep tonight?" Sometimes with his sister, sometimes in his own bed, sometimes in our bed. Sure. No big deal. I even had a punkin sleep in the closet once because she wanted to be an indian in a cave. Go for it Chief Snoring Bear. This will also get some of y'alls panties in a wad. Here comes a juicy confession-- I hold my 1 year old until he falls asleep. Put him in his bed and then bring him into mine. I know he's going to wake up a billion times and it's easier just to let him start out next to me. Recently has started sleeping better. I still bring him in. I just love the snuggles. We just pile on top of each other some nights and guess what sleep in my house is not a big deal. Bed time battles don't really exist. My daughter who co-slept with us for 2 years wanted her own bed by age 2 1/2 and goes to sleep absolutely no problem in her own bed. She, our once very troubled sleeper, is the deepest sleeper I've ever seen. And, she has never once had issues sleeping over in any new situation. Sleep is meant to be relaxing. We make it no big deal and when they are developmentally becoming more secure and independent and naturally want their own little space, they do very well sleeping because guess what-- the culture in our house is that sleep is what we do and it's just no big deal. They have a very healthy sleep concept. All THREE of mine started out with major, major sleep issues. My husband has had to do CPR on SIDS babies in the ER. Believe me we take every precaution for co-sleeping and then some. But, we also understand that we just do what we need to do to help the punkins link sleep with relaxation and not battles and then when the time is right it just falls into place. In the mean time we often get to wake up with surprise visitors during their happiest and sweetest time of the day-- after a good night sleep. That's how I want to start my day for as long as I can because this time is fleeting. And, my husband who often works long hours gets to snuggle a child he might not have seen for the entire day. When he was a resident this was sometimes a few days at a time. It works for us. Frankly, I spend my energy on fighting the big battles. We have very high expectations for our children during the day and I need the rest and I don't want to muscle through a night battle when we've had a big day. My kids are very secure and in new situations they do well at self-soothing. So, my pediatrician who told me that I would never be able to get them out of my bed once I started was wrong, wrong, wrong. SO, if you are a new mama and you are spending your spare time on reading absolutely everything there is to know on sleep and are frustrated beyond belief because you have an insomniac for a 4 month old, it's ok. Fact-- you don't necessarily WANT a baby to be sleeping through the night before 6 weeks. They need to eat to grow and they need to rouse somewhat easily. SIDS has been linked to babies getting into a deep sleep and not being able to come out of it. Babies who wake up every few hours at first are normal and healthy. Fact-- babies go through so many developmental changes during the first year that you often have to "retrain" sleeping. And what's the deal with "training" for sleep any way?? If those methods are working then I say that is wonderful, wonderful news. You and baby are getting some good rest for the day. If not, then lady do what you must and change the way you think about it. Driving around to get a baby to sleep like I did for 6 months out of desperation??? Book on CD time and catch up on a phone call or two. Stroller? I placed second in women's for a 5k because of all the training I got getting my little girl to nap. And, one of the sweetest memories I will have on this time is waking up with three little ones who are cuddled up like kittens and decided to snuggle each other a little longer even after they woke up. And, new mama-- YES, the first year is really tough. You need some feedback on how you are measuring up and it's easy to measure your parenting success in number of consecutive hours you taught your kid to sleep. Make no mistake my sister in motherhood. The first year is SO hard that you should take my short quiz to see how you rate. Question 1- are you alive? Question 2- have you not thrown dense and or sharp objects at your husband more than two occasions? Question 3- is your baby is 1 piece? If you answered yes to 2 out of 3 of these questions then you are doing fine. Be kind to yourself. And, if you are a very blessed parent who is constantly singing your own praises because you have a child destined for greatness only because he sleeps and that you and your methods for teaching him such brilliance should be documented and pushed on moms who have punkins that fight sleep like warriors, then shut the hell up already. We're so sleep deprived we could become violent. Sweet dreams.

Mom (v)

I had a professor who used to say, "Lewis," (my maiden name) "All you have to know is the what?" On "what" he would lean over his podium and I would squeak out "the language?" from my seat. In any discipline, to master it you must simply know the language of the domain. I spent several years operating as a mother without any clear operational definition of my title. What does it mean to be "mom"? I was asked this in a focus group for a local university's study when my oldest child was a year old. The two mothers before me had the same answer: "I am the mother, I stay at home." I even heard one mama say, "I have the vagina, I'll stay at home." Hmmm. Initially the feminist in me puffed up. "WHAT?! You are defining your role based on your anatomy! Too many women have worked to show that we have a choice in things." And then the less irascible part of me said, "Pipe, down. She didn't mean to say vagina, silly. What she meant was third arm. The woman clearly said "vagina" as though it gave her some sort of advantage over her husband in childrearing. Perhaps she is strangely mutated to have some advantage in balancing domestic duties and that is why she is staying home. Silly feminist inner voice."
At the time that Grace was born I was 23 years old. I had a wicked case of postpartum depression, a husband in med school and was completely overwhelmed with bringing up a very high maintenance infant. I adopted the rules for and the definition of "mommy" based on what I had either seen or I thought people expected from me. I couldn't have even verbalized it at the time but here's how I would define my role based on how I acted back then: Mom: 1. person who does not allow anyone else to help with any domestic or childcare duties and complains when no one helps with said duties. I confess martyrdom. I played that role well. I self-sacrificed and refused help to the point of being so depressed that I was an ineffective parent. In the mean time, I was but a shadow of the bride that my husband married, pushed away a willing partner to the point that he thought he had nothing to offer as a parent and deprived our daughter of the opportunity to see partnership in action and have a well balanced, healthy and joyful guide in life. Finally, I had a good hard look at things and had a had a serious chat with that ugly voice inside my head which asked a hard question. If you're doing it all, pushing your partner away from parenting and forcing him or her to define himself as a paycheck then let me allow you to borrow the ugly voice in my head. Ok, here it goes. This one's going to sting: "Aren't you being just a little bit arrogant?" When I asked myself this for the first time, I immediately returned with "No! I'm just better at parenting! I don't want to have anyone take care of my children except for me because I'm the best and only thing that will help them develop properly. I'm giving my everything to them and saving my husband from having to do anything in this house. I'm a domestic saint!" Umm, hello?! First of all, I did everything in the house and was exhausted and angry. When I stepped back and asked for Tommy to pitch in with the promise not to complain if it wasn't perfect, I allowed for him to feel like he had more than financial responsibilities for it. It became a shared domain and he reaped the satisfaction of preparing a meal that our family enjoyed, putting away little socks that would be worn by sweet little feet and getting to experience the fun of learning to incorporate the kiddos in cleaning. And, can you imagine what it would be like to not be able to comfort your own child? Or, feel comfortable in taking care of them by yourself because you can't even find diaper cream? And, every time you try to do something like give them a bath you have someone more knowledgeable saying to just forget it, they can do it since you can't do anything as well as them. Secondly, when I acknowledged the fact that I do not possess everything that my kids need, I gave them more. What I mean by that is that I have certain songs, certain stories, certain ways of teaching and a limited experience from which to draw on. I've got a bag of tools. Tommy has a bag of tools, friends, family members, neighbors, teachers all have different experiences and bags of tools. We may all teach the same concept differently. My kids learn so much that I can never, ever teach them from Tommy. I see blocks, I make them talk to each other. Tommy shows them how to build a castle. Grace gets scared, I talk to her about how her body feels when it feels scared and how to take deep breaths to help it calm. Tommy teaches her how to make the situation funny. I teach Tommy how to parent differently and he teaches me. And, we make it clear that the kids understand they are also teachers to each other. I overheard Grace the other day asking Ben in a serious tone if he could work on teaching Jack to share while she was in school. He proudly accepted the challenge. They have a rich, diverse experience because of it. But, I carried these kids for 9 months. I nursed them, I was home all day with them. I know them really, really well. So, I now see myself as somewhat of an expert on Ben, Jack and Grace--their strengths and weaknesses. I'm the coach of the team that is parenting my kids but I am not the heartbeat of this family; I'm not the only one keeping us going or pumping life through us. I'm great at figuring out their needs, knowing when is a good time for me to step back and let someone who has the tools to deal with it best, step in. I'm also really good at knowing what gifts my partner, my parents and my family have and knowing when to step back and provide opportunities for them to share themselves with my children. I see myself as the industrial psychologist of our family--not the heartbeat. I need to introduce these kiddos to and tie them into the world, so I need them to bond with some other people as well. I need them to have just enough time with siblings to enjoy their interactions and arrange for individual time with grandparents or daddy or enroll them in preschool so they have some time with themselves and develop their individual selves. I need to teach my partner some tricks of the trade, discuss with him what I'm reading about , direct him towards some books I might not have time to read and then ask him to teach me and then we can make best decisions for them as individuals. I need to keep tabs on my own well being and check myself out when I need to so that I'm not so drained and so that I'm teaching my kids what a happy healthy parent is. And, I try to be sensitive to when I sense burnout or stress in my partner and insist he go play golf or get more rest.
That has meant we make some changes. We've had some great discussions on the vision and purpose for our family and I have to remind myself of that vision when I become less of a coach and industrial psychologist and more of a maid and a martyr. We want to teach self-reliance and responsibility so that means I have to take twice as long in teaching a kiddo to pack lunches and clean up after themselves instead of becoming a servant and complaining about it later. I have to step back when things aren't perfect. I mow the lawn now so that Tommy's not coming home after a day at work and can stay in and work on some things inside that can include the kids or for him to have some time with them to play without me saying, "be careful! too rough!". I got organized so that I'm spending less time spinning wheels and so that anyone can jump in with some systems in place and get it done. For example, we put our "to get lists" and "to dos" on cozi.com so that we can both check what needs to be done and jump in when we can. I had to change my language-- "we need to decide how we teach Grace the calendar bc she needs to know for preschool" and I had to ask questions-- "what do you think we can do to help teach Ben colors?" or "can you plan out this weekend?" and then just be a follower instead of the great organizer. And, then I just had to redefine how we do things. I don't have to be the one to take them to the dentist or get a shot every single time. I don't have to be the one to buy the whole wardrobe for the kids fall clothes or to ask him to stay home and babysit so I can attend a teacher meeting. When I take all that on, I deprive him of the opportunity to comfort them or to reap the joys of having a thrilled little girl who just adores her new fall dress and an investment in their education. I had to really step back and trust. I, Nicole Bernard, actually never visited the school that we signed up our daughter for kindergarten. Yes, me. Ms. Research-who likes to investigate everything, allowed Daddy to go on the tours and then come back to tell me about it so we could make a decision based on his impressions. I told him some questions that I really wanted to know but ultimately, I told him I know we're on the same page for our goals for our children and I trust that his instincts will be right on for finding a school for them. And, guess what. It was. And, guess what else. Turns out he's a fabulous class party organizer, really great at initiating family projects, researching baby products, getting up in the middle of the night and packing things up for him to be able to take them on outings by himself. I just had to take a breath and step back. I married him because I thought he'd be a good dad. I was so wrong. He's an incredible father. Any dad who will meet his daughter on the pick up bench at school, ask her on a tea party date and then open a bag he packed complete with tea cups, juice, doilies and boa, is quite the man. And, although he works very long hours he makes his time count and we're planning for the future for us to have a little more balance as well. I'm planning on going back to school to be a clinical psychologist and so that we can both take on the financial burdens instead of Tommy always taking the brunt of those responsibilities. We're saving our pennies until then and using these four years to teach everyone on our team how our family's home runs. Every adult and every child has a role to do so that the burden is not 100% on one person. When I go back, Tommy will be working during school hours and taking fewer shifts as an ER doc. He'll be giving his gifts and allowing our kids a rich experience as having Dad guiding them a lot more like I did when he was the one working long hours. Then when I'm out, we'll both be working but not the long hours one of us would be if we only had one primary bread winner.
It's my job to know the art of when to jump in and when to step back and allow someone else to give their God given gifts to my children. Right now, I'm the one who's around the most and trust me, I'm working hard. I get up every morning at 5 am and often go to bed at midnight to make sure that things are running smoothly and everyone's cup is full. I'm pretty much exhausted even with lots of support. I have cleaned and scrubbed, and folded, ironed and washed and cooked and baked and fixed and mowed my share of things and done my best to ensure that Tommy has enough time to ensure priority in seeing the children when he comes home. If you have 3 kids then you know just how much there is to running a house. But no one does this alone. No one does this well alone. And if you are doing it ALL and claiming to be rocking it out with zero help, dream on lady. And if you are thinking, traditionally women have always done this with much less help. Wrong again. Read Mothering the New Mother. Back in the day women were living closer to family in more rural areas. There was a team of other mamas who were supporting each other. This is a grueling, spiritual and exhausting game we're playing as modern nurturers. So, I've given up my arrogant notions that I am the best and only good thing for my children and that all they needed to succeed was for me to stay home with them as long and as much as possible. There was a time that had the village shown up at my door I would have said, thanks I've got this one covered. Maybe I had something to prove. Maybe I was the village idiot. Whatever rules I had written for myself in being a good mother I've had the opportunity to rewrite. What is your definition for your role as a parent?