When my first child was about 4 months old I came pretty close to a full out, hair pulling, claw scraping brawl with a loud mouth mom who was chatting it up about her brilliant infant who was just the best sleeper . Right there in between the displays of footed pyjamas and toddler bubble suits at Target. I decided against taking on Ms. Mama of the Year, only because I was just too damn tired. A sneak attack from a sleep deprived mother, educating her, guerilla mama warfare style, would have been just what she needed. "Ooohhh, I just feel soooo sorry for mothers who don't know how to get their babies to sleep." she went on. "My little darlin sleeps through the night. " Well, bully. for. you. Meanwhile, I looked like a lactating zombie with milk stains and mismatched outfit and was sleeping less than an hour at a time and trying everything.
For some reason, every where I turned, mamas were talking about how their child slept, comparing with others how long they could go and what brilliant methods they had used to teach them to do so. Sleep was MORE than sleep. It wasn't just for tired parents and their babies to fill a physiological need--rest to function. No, it was bigger than that. It was a reflection on how well you were doing as a mom and it was a start of how you were establishing yourself as the authority figure.. And, I totally bought into it. I had every book I could find on getting her to go to bed. I was in the stage of "I must teach you now that I am the authority here. I am not to be manipulated. You will go to sleep and I will teach you how to do it by yourself based on this expert's book." Cue the wiley coyote falling off a cliff sound bite in your head. Crash. Mama fail.
I tried for months and months and months. I tried everything to get her to sleep. In big part, let's be honest here folks, so that I could prove myself a supermom by having a brilliant sleeper. It's what we do with our first ones in our culture. We must compare our kids so that we can feel validated. However, you've got a small creature that mostly on poops, eats and sleeps. Hmm. Well, let's just focus on sleep. Great. It has numbers attached to it! Perfect, we've got a standard on which to compare. My Johnny sleeps 5 consecutive hours every night and wakes at 7. He takes 2 naps at 3:00. I used this method, blah, blah, blah. Awesomeness for Johnny who will probably be a NASA engineer because he's a great sleeper at 6 weeks. In truth, Johnny's mom was doing everything right. She had a kid with the potential for sleeping through the night. She knew her baby well and she knew how to set the environment for him. I was surrounded by new mothers who were telling me everything I needed to do to have a great sleeper too and they were encouraging me to not give in! It will only take 20 minutes of crying! Don't let them manipulate you! Sadly, they were taking a brilliant method for a baby that worked for their child who had that potential. They didn't know Grace whose mantra is "sleep is for the weak" and couldn't understand why I couldn't get this operation off the ground.
No ladies, the first night of "cry it out" lasted 3 hours and then she woke up every hour and cried more during the day. The next night was just as bad and the nights after that were too. If these methods worked for your family, then I truly am glad. We have lots to do during the day and we need to be rested for them. But, it has been my experience that "Sleep" has become the number one parenting focus for new mamas in the first year. Again, I think we like to be able to compare in our culture. Provide some universal metric system for assessing how we are holding up as new parents. We're used to feedback in school or in our job, we get thrust into parenting and we are desperate for reassurance that yes, we're doing an adequate job with the role of mama. So, we talk baby products and poop, nursing and sleep.
It is the number one thing new mothers ask me. "How do I get them to sleep?!" Here's my new answer. Believe me, back then I would have rambled off everything I had learned about alpha waves and baby's sleep cycles. Now, here's how I've re-written how I view kiddos and sleep. Brace yourself, this will be uncomfortable for anyone who is hoping for a hard and fast regiment in getting their babies to bed. Ok, here it goes on how to get your infant to sleep: I have no frickin idea and frankly, it's not a focus of my parenting. I don't know your kid. I don't know what you are trying to accomplish as a family. For us, we just say "someone looks tired, it's around the time we usually go to bed so lets just go to bed." We don't have hard and fast anything and it really, really works for us. For those who know me well, structure is kind of my thing. For those of you now laughing bc I like to spell OCD, CDO because alphabetizing the letters just feels better then you really know that liking structure is an understatement. We have a routine that we love-- books, books and more books. This one is going to get you too. I even ask my two year old "where do you want to sleep tonight?" Sometimes with his sister, sometimes in his own bed, sometimes in our bed. Sure. No big deal. I even had a punkin sleep in the closet once because she wanted to be an indian in a cave. Go for it Chief Snoring Bear. This will also get some of y'alls panties in a wad. Here comes a juicy confession-- I hold my 1 year old until he falls asleep. Put him in his bed and then bring him into mine. I know he's going to wake up a billion times and it's easier just to let him start out next to me. Recently has started sleeping better. I still bring him in. I just love the snuggles. We just pile on top of each other some nights and guess what sleep in my house is not a big deal. Bed time battles don't really exist. My daughter who co-slept with us for 2 years wanted her own bed by age 2 1/2 and goes to sleep absolutely no problem in her own bed. She, our once very troubled sleeper, is the deepest sleeper I've ever seen. And, she has never once had issues sleeping over in any new situation. Sleep is meant to be relaxing. We make it no big deal and when they are developmentally becoming more secure and independent and naturally want their own little space, they do very well sleeping because guess what-- the culture in our house is that sleep is what we do and it's just no big deal. They have a very healthy sleep concept. All THREE of mine started out with major, major sleep issues. My husband has had to do CPR on SIDS babies in the ER. Believe me we take every precaution for co-sleeping and then some. But, we also understand that we just do what we need to do to help the punkins link sleep with relaxation and not battles and then when the time is right it just falls into place. In the mean time we often get to wake up with surprise visitors during their happiest and sweetest time of the day-- after a good night sleep. That's how I want to start my day for as long as I can because this time is fleeting. And, my husband who often works long hours gets to snuggle a child he might not have seen for the entire day. When he was a resident this was sometimes a few days at a time. It works for us. Frankly, I spend my energy on fighting the big battles. We have very high expectations for our children during the day and I need the rest and I don't want to muscle through a night battle when we've had a big day. My kids are very secure and in new situations they do well at self-soothing. So, my pediatrician who told me that I would never be able to get them out of my bed once I started was wrong, wrong, wrong. SO, if you are a new mama and you are spending your spare time on reading absolutely everything there is to know on sleep and are frustrated beyond belief because you have an insomniac for a 4 month old, it's ok. Fact-- you don't necessarily WANT a baby to be sleeping through the night before 6 weeks. They need to eat to grow and they need to rouse somewhat easily. SIDS has been linked to babies getting into a deep sleep and not being able to come out of it. Babies who wake up every few hours at first are normal and healthy. Fact-- babies go through so many developmental changes during the first year that you often have to "retrain" sleeping. And what's the deal with "training" for sleep any way?? If those methods are working then I say that is wonderful, wonderful news. You and baby are getting some good rest for the day. If not, then lady do what you must and change the way you think about it. Driving around to get a baby to sleep like I did for 6 months out of desperation??? Book on CD time and catch up on a phone call or two. Stroller? I placed second in women's for a 5k because of all the training I got getting my little girl to nap. And, one of the sweetest memories I will have on this time is waking up with three little ones who are cuddled up like kittens and decided to snuggle each other a little longer even after they woke up. And, new mama-- YES, the first year is really tough. You need some feedback on how you are measuring up and it's easy to measure your parenting success in number of consecutive hours you taught your kid to sleep. Make no mistake my sister in motherhood. The first year is SO hard that you should take my short quiz to see how you rate. Question 1- are you alive? Question 2- have you not thrown dense and or sharp objects at your husband more than two occasions? Question 3- is your baby is 1 piece? If you answered yes to 2 out of 3 of these questions then you are doing fine. Be kind to yourself. And, if you are a very blessed parent who is constantly singing your own praises because you have a child destined for greatness only because he sleeps and that you and your methods for teaching him such brilliance should be documented and pushed on moms who have punkins that fight sleep like warriors, then shut the hell up already. We're so sleep deprived we could become violent. Sweet dreams.
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