Mom (v)

I had a professor who used to say, "Lewis," (my maiden name) "All you have to know is the what?" On "what" he would lean over his podium and I would squeak out "the language?" from my seat. In any discipline, to master it you must simply know the language of the domain. I spent several years operating as a mother without any clear operational definition of my title. What does it mean to be "mom"? I was asked this in a focus group for a local university's study when my oldest child was a year old. The two mothers before me had the same answer: "I am the mother, I stay at home." I even heard one mama say, "I have the vagina, I'll stay at home." Hmmm. Initially the feminist in me puffed up. "WHAT?! You are defining your role based on your anatomy! Too many women have worked to show that we have a choice in things." And then the less irascible part of me said, "Pipe, down. She didn't mean to say vagina, silly. What she meant was third arm. The woman clearly said "vagina" as though it gave her some sort of advantage over her husband in childrearing. Perhaps she is strangely mutated to have some advantage in balancing domestic duties and that is why she is staying home. Silly feminist inner voice."
At the time that Grace was born I was 23 years old. I had a wicked case of postpartum depression, a husband in med school and was completely overwhelmed with bringing up a very high maintenance infant. I adopted the rules for and the definition of "mommy" based on what I had either seen or I thought people expected from me. I couldn't have even verbalized it at the time but here's how I would define my role based on how I acted back then: Mom: 1. person who does not allow anyone else to help with any domestic or childcare duties and complains when no one helps with said duties. I confess martyrdom. I played that role well. I self-sacrificed and refused help to the point of being so depressed that I was an ineffective parent. In the mean time, I was but a shadow of the bride that my husband married, pushed away a willing partner to the point that he thought he had nothing to offer as a parent and deprived our daughter of the opportunity to see partnership in action and have a well balanced, healthy and joyful guide in life. Finally, I had a good hard look at things and had a had a serious chat with that ugly voice inside my head which asked a hard question. If you're doing it all, pushing your partner away from parenting and forcing him or her to define himself as a paycheck then let me allow you to borrow the ugly voice in my head. Ok, here it goes. This one's going to sting: "Aren't you being just a little bit arrogant?" When I asked myself this for the first time, I immediately returned with "No! I'm just better at parenting! I don't want to have anyone take care of my children except for me because I'm the best and only thing that will help them develop properly. I'm giving my everything to them and saving my husband from having to do anything in this house. I'm a domestic saint!" Umm, hello?! First of all, I did everything in the house and was exhausted and angry. When I stepped back and asked for Tommy to pitch in with the promise not to complain if it wasn't perfect, I allowed for him to feel like he had more than financial responsibilities for it. It became a shared domain and he reaped the satisfaction of preparing a meal that our family enjoyed, putting away little socks that would be worn by sweet little feet and getting to experience the fun of learning to incorporate the kiddos in cleaning. And, can you imagine what it would be like to not be able to comfort your own child? Or, feel comfortable in taking care of them by yourself because you can't even find diaper cream? And, every time you try to do something like give them a bath you have someone more knowledgeable saying to just forget it, they can do it since you can't do anything as well as them. Secondly, when I acknowledged the fact that I do not possess everything that my kids need, I gave them more. What I mean by that is that I have certain songs, certain stories, certain ways of teaching and a limited experience from which to draw on. I've got a bag of tools. Tommy has a bag of tools, friends, family members, neighbors, teachers all have different experiences and bags of tools. We may all teach the same concept differently. My kids learn so much that I can never, ever teach them from Tommy. I see blocks, I make them talk to each other. Tommy shows them how to build a castle. Grace gets scared, I talk to her about how her body feels when it feels scared and how to take deep breaths to help it calm. Tommy teaches her how to make the situation funny. I teach Tommy how to parent differently and he teaches me. And, we make it clear that the kids understand they are also teachers to each other. I overheard Grace the other day asking Ben in a serious tone if he could work on teaching Jack to share while she was in school. He proudly accepted the challenge. They have a rich, diverse experience because of it. But, I carried these kids for 9 months. I nursed them, I was home all day with them. I know them really, really well. So, I now see myself as somewhat of an expert on Ben, Jack and Grace--their strengths and weaknesses. I'm the coach of the team that is parenting my kids but I am not the heartbeat of this family; I'm not the only one keeping us going or pumping life through us. I'm great at figuring out their needs, knowing when is a good time for me to step back and let someone who has the tools to deal with it best, step in. I'm also really good at knowing what gifts my partner, my parents and my family have and knowing when to step back and provide opportunities for them to share themselves with my children. I see myself as the industrial psychologist of our family--not the heartbeat. I need to introduce these kiddos to and tie them into the world, so I need them to bond with some other people as well. I need them to have just enough time with siblings to enjoy their interactions and arrange for individual time with grandparents or daddy or enroll them in preschool so they have some time with themselves and develop their individual selves. I need to teach my partner some tricks of the trade, discuss with him what I'm reading about , direct him towards some books I might not have time to read and then ask him to teach me and then we can make best decisions for them as individuals. I need to keep tabs on my own well being and check myself out when I need to so that I'm not so drained and so that I'm teaching my kids what a happy healthy parent is. And, I try to be sensitive to when I sense burnout or stress in my partner and insist he go play golf or get more rest.
That has meant we make some changes. We've had some great discussions on the vision and purpose for our family and I have to remind myself of that vision when I become less of a coach and industrial psychologist and more of a maid and a martyr. We want to teach self-reliance and responsibility so that means I have to take twice as long in teaching a kiddo to pack lunches and clean up after themselves instead of becoming a servant and complaining about it later. I have to step back when things aren't perfect. I mow the lawn now so that Tommy's not coming home after a day at work and can stay in and work on some things inside that can include the kids or for him to have some time with them to play without me saying, "be careful! too rough!". I got organized so that I'm spending less time spinning wheels and so that anyone can jump in with some systems in place and get it done. For example, we put our "to get lists" and "to dos" on cozi.com so that we can both check what needs to be done and jump in when we can. I had to change my language-- "we need to decide how we teach Grace the calendar bc she needs to know for preschool" and I had to ask questions-- "what do you think we can do to help teach Ben colors?" or "can you plan out this weekend?" and then just be a follower instead of the great organizer. And, then I just had to redefine how we do things. I don't have to be the one to take them to the dentist or get a shot every single time. I don't have to be the one to buy the whole wardrobe for the kids fall clothes or to ask him to stay home and babysit so I can attend a teacher meeting. When I take all that on, I deprive him of the opportunity to comfort them or to reap the joys of having a thrilled little girl who just adores her new fall dress and an investment in their education. I had to really step back and trust. I, Nicole Bernard, actually never visited the school that we signed up our daughter for kindergarten. Yes, me. Ms. Research-who likes to investigate everything, allowed Daddy to go on the tours and then come back to tell me about it so we could make a decision based on his impressions. I told him some questions that I really wanted to know but ultimately, I told him I know we're on the same page for our goals for our children and I trust that his instincts will be right on for finding a school for them. And, guess what. It was. And, guess what else. Turns out he's a fabulous class party organizer, really great at initiating family projects, researching baby products, getting up in the middle of the night and packing things up for him to be able to take them on outings by himself. I just had to take a breath and step back. I married him because I thought he'd be a good dad. I was so wrong. He's an incredible father. Any dad who will meet his daughter on the pick up bench at school, ask her on a tea party date and then open a bag he packed complete with tea cups, juice, doilies and boa, is quite the man. And, although he works very long hours he makes his time count and we're planning for the future for us to have a little more balance as well. I'm planning on going back to school to be a clinical psychologist and so that we can both take on the financial burdens instead of Tommy always taking the brunt of those responsibilities. We're saving our pennies until then and using these four years to teach everyone on our team how our family's home runs. Every adult and every child has a role to do so that the burden is not 100% on one person. When I go back, Tommy will be working during school hours and taking fewer shifts as an ER doc. He'll be giving his gifts and allowing our kids a rich experience as having Dad guiding them a lot more like I did when he was the one working long hours. Then when I'm out, we'll both be working but not the long hours one of us would be if we only had one primary bread winner.
It's my job to know the art of when to jump in and when to step back and allow someone else to give their God given gifts to my children. Right now, I'm the one who's around the most and trust me, I'm working hard. I get up every morning at 5 am and often go to bed at midnight to make sure that things are running smoothly and everyone's cup is full. I'm pretty much exhausted even with lots of support. I have cleaned and scrubbed, and folded, ironed and washed and cooked and baked and fixed and mowed my share of things and done my best to ensure that Tommy has enough time to ensure priority in seeing the children when he comes home. If you have 3 kids then you know just how much there is to running a house. But no one does this alone. No one does this well alone. And if you are doing it ALL and claiming to be rocking it out with zero help, dream on lady. And if you are thinking, traditionally women have always done this with much less help. Wrong again. Read Mothering the New Mother. Back in the day women were living closer to family in more rural areas. There was a team of other mamas who were supporting each other. This is a grueling, spiritual and exhausting game we're playing as modern nurturers. So, I've given up my arrogant notions that I am the best and only good thing for my children and that all they needed to succeed was for me to stay home with them as long and as much as possible. There was a time that had the village shown up at my door I would have said, thanks I've got this one covered. Maybe I had something to prove. Maybe I was the village idiot. Whatever rules I had written for myself in being a good mother I've had the opportunity to rewrite. What is your definition for your role as a parent?