Nurturing the Mother

I hear a lot of new moms say, "you are a supermom!" and "you've just got everything together". Mama, I'm from Georgia so I speak that language of the south. For some of you there's a part of you that's also saying "I'd really like to punch her right in the face right about now". Come on, admit it. I know you're thinking it. Look, no one who really knows me says that it looks like I've got everything together because they are the ones who are waiting for me at the museum for our playdate. I'm late AGAIN or they see me looking exhausted and losing stuff or wearing a hideous outfit with my wet hair that I never have time to blow dry. They see my disaster of a living room and they are rescuing Benjamin who just ran off and I didn't notice he was gone. Some days I'm rolling and some days I'm a mess. That is the story of every mom. But here's the thing. When I was wearing the new mom hat I was a mess just about every day whether it showed or not or people really knew how much I was struggling. When I saw a mother of three smiling and seeming to love her role and she seemed like she had it figured out I wanted to smack that woman all around town.
New mother, let me take a moment to nurture you. Your world just got turned upside down. You have to learn a person and the new language of parenting. For the first time you have to be completely 100% vulnerable. You've got the daunting task of rearing a human to be all that he or she can be and you are isolated from others who have gone through it. Maybe you have a framework and experience enough to stand tall during that transition but I did not. I was truly so depressed I wonder now how I got through it without a hospitalization. Truly. I was so obsessed with getting parenting right and protecting my daughter from absolutely everything that I could barely function. I smiled a whole lot on playdates so no one would really understand how hard it was for me but depression and the feeling of being so overwhelmed controlled my life. I don't remember parts of those days. Literally. I had convinced myself I was so undeserving of my daughter that surely the "mistake" of God giving her to me would be righted. Ugly truth is that I might be talking to you about where I found her hairbow at this little store yadda, yadda and I was planning that I would use that outfit for her funeral. I was that convinced that God would take her from me. I didn't trust myself. There were times when I thought that I might throw her across the room. I even had the thought that I had made a terrible mistake. There were a lot of hormones involved with that depression plus a lot of me just not being prepared. It was the single hardest phase of my life. It wasn't until a dear friend of mine, Erin Wallin explained to me postpartum depression that I realized what I had. I read Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields and realized that the crazy thoughts I was having about harming my child were not that uncommon with postpartum. So, girl when I tell you that this difficult work, I mean it. And, there are days when I still struggle. Scroll down to the picture of me in a hospital gown surrounded by my loving family and clinging to Jack. Don't I look happy? Yes, I was AND I was scared to be left alone with my baby. Terrified. He was my third you'd think I would know what I was doing. Well, I did. However, with the hormones and the drugs I couldn't work through some things and every time I was left alone I would cling to Jack like we were on a life boat in the middle of turbulent waters just in case I lost myself and threw him on the ground. I'm telling you, I go a little nuts. And for me with the first few weeks of a baby that is normal. And, it's normal when you have lost some freedom and you have had no sleep and your marriage is changing and you realize you don't have everything to care for a baby but you're trying to do it all anyway and you feel like you're failing and you're completely isolated and hormonal to have the thought, I've made a mistake. Don't waste energy beating yourself up for that. This is the transition. Some handle it better than others. But, if you are looking at me with my organizational systems, parenting books and perky picture and thinking that I've always had this thing down and it was natural for me then you are wrong, wrong, wrong.
Here's how I started changing. I'm in my flow now. I LOVE my life. I love my kids, I feel like I'm doing it to the best that I can. Probably happier than I've ever been. Here's some real advice from a mama who believes in REAL.
A lot of people will tell you-- don't lose yourself in parenting. Girl, that does not mean think you are too good to participate in the ridiculousness of Kindermusik or think you are too cool to sing the Wonder Pets song at the top of your lungs or to drive a mini van or to wear comfortable shoes. NO. This is your chance. Throw yourself into these things. It's your shot. Do it. Here's the catch. Don't throw yourself into parenting, re-write yourself into parenting and do it fully. How are you defining your new life? Honey, I'm telling you this with love. Your life is going to change. Its ok to mourn the last chapter of your life. You deserve to be able to be a little sad about not being able to go out when you want or feel like you miss the carefree life without so much responsibility. Mourn having to share your husband with a child who wants to constantly take away time that you used to have all to yourselves. So, here's where the re-writing comes in. If all you are doing all day long is mommy stuff you are going to repeatedly ram your head into the wall. Throw yourself into it when you with your kids. Be uninhibited with it. Drive that mini van and surrender that SUV because you know it's not as practical for RIGHT NOW. These crazy days are not going to last forever. That's the good and bad news. Buy sassy girl shoes but don't try to be a superstar on the playground. Geez lady. You're not that cool.
But you also need a fire in your soul to fuel the kind of energy that it takes to do all that. Are you getting beaten down with the same housework and ALL the child-rearing responsibilities. You have a partner. Does your partner know how to get your child ready for school? Does he have good input for how and what you should be teaching them? Does he get up in the middle of the night? Does he know how to comfort your child, put them to bed, initiate family activities? And be honest, are you the foxy lady he fell in love with? Are you still bold and vivacious? Are you interesting or will you just not shut up already about laundry and poop schedules. There is fuel and excitement in a nourished partnership. And be honest. Do you need to work on some things with a counselor. Woman up and do it. And, go on dates. And look your hottest. Please read Mom (v) below for redefining your role as mother as an industrial psychologist and coach and not martyr and maid. Is your week a drudgery? Cleaning up the same house week after week only do the same monotony the next week? Read A Call to Arms below on how to redefine your home as a family and invest everyone in its care. Also read A Call to Arms where I discuss rearing children who are a joy to parent and teach-- giving them the gift of self-reliance and the feeling of importance so they are APPRECIATIVE and team members. That has got to be done, mama.
Here's what else people will tell you. You've got to take care of yourself. Get some rest. Yes, by all means. Read "Keeping it Real on Sleep" below. PRIORITY. And then well meaning others will advise pampering-- get a manicure, treat yourself to a shopping trip. Woo hoo! Yes, go. There's a sale on at Banana Republic. But don't mistake bandaide for healing.
My sister in motherhood, you are malnourished. You have a NEED for friendship. Go out without kids. Show your kids you value friendship (I mean that's what you've been telling them all summer before preschool) and have a girls night. Support your friends. Allow them to support you.
You have a physical self. Stop freaking eating crap. I mean it. Stop it. You're eating because you're stressed. Who can blame you? Now find what you need to destress and do it. I learned this lesson after 1,594 chocolate chips. And, if you think you are doing any favors by eating after everyone else does or just picking off their plates you are telling your kids you don't deserve it. If you don't see yourself as deserving food, good luck convincing your children that you are worth their respect. If I don't workout, I am not at my best. This is FUEL for the fire that's needed to parent.
You have a creative self maybe. Some more than others. I pulled myself out of a depression by researching the art world of the 19th century in france for two years. I've written 100 pages into a novel about that time period. That's how depleted I was in meeting the basic needs of caring for an infant. I had to start writing a danged book. I'm still working on it. Whether it goes anywhere or not it was me expressing myself creatively and even if a publishing company doesn't sweep it up, my children will have it. But one fact remains: It had to be written to nourish myself out of a very dark place.
You have an intelligent self. For me, if this is not nurtured, I will completely lose myself in parenting without any kind of safety rope. I must be reading. I must be learning and be challenged. If not, game over. I'm totally cool at singing the ABCs all day if after they go to bed I am able to work on research. I work with a professor at Duke right now. I get less sleep because of it but all the sleep in the world won't help me grin and bear it through candyland five times in a row. I'd be so depleted if I didn't fill that self with some yummy statistics. When I got really desperate I started reading Steven Hawking and the physics of the Universe. When I took the psych GRE 9 weeks after my third child was born people thought I was setting myself up for failure. Not so. I knew myself well enough to know that in meeting the basic needs of a newborn I would be so depleted and brain dead that I would gobble up studying. And I did. I did notecards while nursing in the middle of the night and Tommy would push me out the door to study for an hour or so here and there while the baby slept. I scored 100 points higher than I did when I took it as a psych major in college. That's how much having a newborn depleted me and I knew how to fill that need. Guess what. No postpartum depression issues like with the first two kids. I was a better mom to Jack during those 9 weeks than I was for my first two children.
And, we have a spiritual self. My weakness. Thanks again to my friend Erin for finally telling me "God is pursuing you" and convincing me that I was NOT doing what my family and I needed to fill our spiritual selves. She was right. Couldn't get rid of a stomach ulcer until she told me that I could psychoanalyze some issues all I wanted but they wouldn't completely go away until I sought God's help. Right again.
And, finally I parent as is right for me. I throw myself into it. I dive into children's books and make them come alive in our house. I make my stairs the mayflower, I hide from Indians in our woods, I sing, I go on pirate hunts. I've got one chance on giving them a happy childhood and I love losing inhibitions and just doing that. I get to be a kid again a bit too. I get to read books in silly accents and dance around like a fool. Turns out telling your kids to clean their room in a British accent really works. Mary Poppins can shove her spoon full of medicine. It's all about the accent.
If you have a child who is an infant for a few months you are going to just be meeting basic needs. There will be no dialogue, no fun interactive time. You risk real depletion. Not everyone is like that. Some crave the snuggling. But, I had very difficult babies and I got pretty depleted. If this is you then refuel again and again so you can be fully present and responsive to that sweet angel.
Be kind to yourself. Speak kindly to yourself and BE the health you want for your children. Be it all, in not being it all. Do it all, just not all at once. Find what you are missing what passions you have neglected and fuel the fire.
We recently went to the Tweetsie Railroad and met two little darlin little baby goats and their mother. All the children were trying to feed the baby goats who weren't interested a lick in our corn. Hey, I said. Everyone's feeding those little punkin goats. Take a look at that mother goat. How much milk do you think she has to make? What do you think it's like for her to be taking care of those little ones all day? I had a team of little kids feeding that hungry, mama goat. And it was the best thing we could do for her babies. So, I hope that in writing this, my sister goat, I have fed you. Pass this on if you know a mother who needs nourishment.