A Call to Arms

Something is happening to our country and it terrifies me for what my children are inheriting. I've heard a lot of people say, the world's just gone crazy and it seems like maybe it really is. Teen pregnancy- up, Child abuse, child pornography, violent acts, drugs, drugs and more drugs-- you got it. Way up. Suicide and bullying are of course UP. What is happening here? It's in the classroom too. Did you know that schools are now inflating their grades because current students aren't performing like students just one generation back? My dad is a professor at Wake Forest University in the business school. He's been mandated to puff up his grades. There's a new standard for the SATs and the GREs. We're in serious financial debt as a country in part because everyone has overextended. What is going on here?!?!?! Plain and simple: our culture has changed. We used to be a country of a lot of hardworking farmers and pioneers. Everyone in a family was getting on the job training-- you worked right alongside your daddy who taught you what you would need to do when you were a daddy. Kids felt essential to the survival to their family and they were. People who feel needed are less likely to be looking to get knocked up at 16 just to have someone of their own to love and need them. They are also less likely to kill themselves. Also, you had kids learning their boundaries the natural way-- you forget to close the gate for the cows, that really stinks for you kid. Looks like you're going to be getting them all back in. You don't work, you don't eat. Simple. You had a community, a purpose and you learned at a very early age how to take care of yourself and your family through hard work. Pioneers and farmers learned strength of character, determination, not giving up and the direct link of hard work and fruits of their labor. And, kids were different. The teenager "issues" of today were not even in existence back in the day. Of course you respected your mom and dad. For one thing you were doing the works that they did to provide for you. You had a real respect. Then times changed. People started moving into cities and parents who were once staying home to work side by side with their kids were off at the office. Kids were not as challenged to do for themselves as they were in the last generation. And, their parents who had worked their behinds off to give them a better life for their children were doing just that with respect to material things. Unfortunately, the challenge wasn't there to help develop some character in these kids. With the baby boom, schools were overwhelmed. They weren't prepped for the large generation entering first grade. Class size increased and kids just didn't have the same opportunities in a school that couldn't possibly handle everyone's needs. Hello, television. Did you know average kids are watching about 4 hours a day? Instead of going out and learning to entertain themselves down by the creek, kids were being entertained so that they didn't have to think. And, they were being entertained with shows that didn't exactly promote delayed gratification and self-reliance on getting the job done. One author I read even theorizes, with a lot of support, that children's brains are changing with a new style of learning-- technology and educational tv shows makes us learn to learn in a passive way during the sensitive period of our brain's development. We're not learning to analyze to learn, we're using mostly memorization and right brain skills-- our kids left brains aren't being nurtured and if you don't use it, you lose it. Those neurons are getting pruned back.
So, now here we are as a nation. We're falling way behind internationally in education. How many people overextended because they wanted the flashy house that then was foreclosed. And drugs. We're relying on slogans that say "just say no" and waiting until kids are teenagers when parents have spent their child's childhood trying to stamp out any negative emotion (here, don't have a fit! Just take the candy!) as fast as possible so that when they are teenagers they don't have a clue how to just sit with the feeling of disappointment or hurt so they turn to a quick fix--drugs--"just say no" be damned. There's even a name for this spoiled generation that feels entitled and doesn't like to work-- Millenians or Generation Me. And guess who's calling them that. Employers who are hiring college graduates who are less prepared, don't want to work and want the boss to fix things. Or, at least that's the reputation and now the prejudice against students who actually are strong candidates for a job. They have to prove themselves even more. This has been an issue for a lot of business companies who used to hire Wake Forest grads. One company even offered a course at Wake which was essentially to teach students how to be set apart from their Generation Me peers. Sad, isn't it? So, fellow Nurturers, how are we going to turn this around? This one is on us. The onus is on us to prepare our kids for the world that will inherit it when they fully enter in it independently.
I want my kids to have a gift. I want their bosses not to resent them because they understand respect. I want them to be inoculated against depression and being overwhelmed when they hit life transitions because they have the self-efficacy, the self-confidence and the self-reliance to take on the world. I want them to have friends who value them as friends because they are compassionate team players. I want their future spouse to get along with them easily because they know how to communicate really effectively-- not just through technology. I want their teachers to adore them because they see their class as a privilege and that their teacher is not in service of them. And I want them to know that they are needed in this family and that they have what it takes to be a leader in the world as well. I want them to have tolerance for uncomfortable feelings and not just run to a quick fix. I want them to feel proud of themselves. And I want them to truly find happiness and not mistake that pursuit for the pursuit of pampering and luxurious stuff. That's my vision for my children. It a goal that I think of every single day. Getting there is not easy.
Here's where many of you are going to think I'm the wicked witch. You're going to get defensive and the following statement is going to make a lot of you plain mad. Bring it. I very firmly believe that you can parent. just. plain. wrong, wrong, wrong. It's not enough to just love your child unconditionally and then find a style of parenting that works for you, meaning that you do what it takes to get through the day with your kiddos happy a lot of that day. Granted, we have to know our children and how to tailor their environment to best fit their needs. But, it's not enough validate how they are feeling and then change their environment so they will never ever feel a negative feeling-- rushing to get what they need so they don't have a little fit, begging them to come home with you from the park when they want to stay. It's not enough to make up for something they might feel negatively about by buying them a surprise for putting up with it. It's not enough to pay for things that they are ultimately doing for their own benefit-- good grades, putting their own clothes away in drawers or just plain teaching them that they get money for being a member of your family-- here's your allowance! It's not enough when we make the kiddo, the parent and allow them to make decisions that we know are really our decisions to make. Here's where I have and a nation of parents are steering wrong: we're not seeing the potential fully and we're not manning up and doing the work. We're parenting lazy. We're doing things for them that they are fully capable for doing-- getting them dressed, cleaning their room, making their breakfast. Fact. Telling your kids they are wonderful, beautiful people does not raise self esteem-- no, really. Proven FACT. Kids who are accomplishing things have higher self esteem. And, guess what, y'all. We're underestimating by a long shot of what they can do. We're supposed to be seeing what we think they are capable of and providing enough "scaffolding" so that they can build the tower as a metaphor for moving onto the next developmental milestone or achievement. You have to put them in a situation and actually give them the freedom to see what they can do to see how much you need to do to help them build higher. If we're constantly picking up before they get a chance, packing their school bags and laying out their outfits we're not even giving them a shot at it. And, we're invalidating them. We're telling them, we'll do this for you because we don't think you can. And, instead of seeing them be sad because they want a treat at the checkout counter and then validating that sadness we say, oh you're sad! I see how much you really want that. I'll get it for you! Instead, we could be saying, Oh, honey. I can see how very disappointed that you are that we can't get that gum today. He doesn't have to have the danged gum. He also doesn't have to have the wii, and the remote controlled car and the ice cream sunday because you worked late. Tantrums aren't bad. What do you care if someone gives you a stare? Once, I bent down to Grace as she lay on the grocery store crying and said "Oh, darling. You are embarrassing me. I just know you can kick harder than that for a good fit. Please try dear, people are watching" Then I went back to checking how much sugar was in the cereal box I was holding.
We're not giving them any responsibilities because we don't want to burden a child. We're complaining about homework while we're surpassed by other countries in math. We forget what is privilege--a good job, for example, and try to make up to it with our kids by giving them stuff. And, we forget that being able to go to school is a privilege and tell them that we'll learn this concept when you're completely motivated to do it and then make learning as fun as possible with as many bells and whistles as possible-- ooh, play this computer game and if you find the triangle, fireworks go off in the background. We're invalidating their capabilities, mistaking doing for them for giving them an opportunity to increase self esteem and pride and we are sending them into the world to fly solo with little ability to rely on themselves. We're not teaching them manners and respect and their teachers and employers are frustrated and resentful. And, we're not inoculating them by teaching them how to handle a negative emotion.
If there is one thing that I am most passionate about it is this: parenting. This blog is called Nurture-- taking what nature has given these children, in individual personalities, strengths, weaknesses and temperaments and changing the environment to best help them develop to reach their highest potential. You might have read my post, Keepin it Real on Sleep, and think that I take a "do what it takes" approach to how I parent my children in other areas besides getting them to bed. I definitely take a pretty lenient stance on sleep for children under the age of 2. For one thing, the reason I do is because I've worked really hard to understand child development. You have to change the approach and the environment based on where Punkin is in his development. I know that children are designed to survive. At the time when evolution was working on our species, you know when we were in caves and fighting off saber tooth tigers, children who were left away from parents in the night were likely to die. They got eaten by wild beasts. The ones who survived were the ones who cried their tails off to be near parents who could protect them. So, their genes got passed on. Generations later, welcome Grace, Ben and Jack who are packed with genes of their ancestors who were intensely bad sleepers by themselves but of course lived long enough to pass on that gene. I believe in spending that time when they are intensely anxious about separation in bonding. Responding to their cries, cuddling, soothing, nursing and lullabying. But, guess what. They move into a new stage of development and they must survive with skills of their own. They are evolutionarily designed to be self reliant at a certain age. At a certain point it's time to meet them where they are developmentally. Mourn the end of the baby chapter and start helping that kid gain the skills he'll need as an adult.
Here's how I handle things at my house based on the book Rasing Self Reliant Kids in a Self-Indulgent World: When you are ready to sleep in your own bed, you make it up. Around age 2. I take off the sheet and let them pull up the cover. When you are old enough to hold a fork and sit at the table, you're old enough to take your plate. If you spill it, you clean it up. If you can't play nicely with a toy, the toy is put away. If I say, it's time to go inside, the garage is closing and you're on the wrong side of the garage because you didn't listen, you're going to be sitting outside for a little while. If you can be taught to get dressed, then you do. If you are old enough for school, you're old enough to pack your lunch, lay out your clothes and get yourself completely dressed in the morning. I help when needed, try to stand back as much as possible and let them make those wonderful things called mistakes. I've tried to help by making some chore charts to help her plan out lunches and remember items to take to school (post on organization will show pictures soon). We taught the word "delegate" and she knows that in a pinch she can "take a big job and chop it into little jobs that you can ask for help with". My kids ask to help with making dinner, ask if they can try ironing, pulling weeds or if I PLEASE have any buttons that need sewing on. And guess what, these things are still leaving lots of time to play and be a kid but they understand that doing some chores is important to the running of our house. They feel important, needed and proud that they can handle responsibility on their level and that I trust them with it. I feel respected and appreciated. Even my two year old says "tank you fo dinnew (thank you for dinner)" unprompted because he knows that I put effort into it as he did the night before when he helped me with the stirring and when I have a little extra time in the mornings and make up Grace's bed she gives me a hug and says "thank you for the surprise!". I'm nurturing grateful hearts by not doing everything. Yes, I insist on being called ma'am just to remind them that we're not on the same level. I'm not a peer. I'm not a friend. I'm the boundary setter. Did you know that kids who have more clearly defined boundaries have higher self esteem rather than giving them the reigns? They're not equipped to decide what's safest, what's healthiest or what's the best way for them to learn. What's more, the choices that we do give them, we're claiming the consequence so they don't really learn the lesson. A kiddo draws on the wall and we get angry and furiously clean it up we often say things in hate. Or, we spank them and there's no natural link between the action and consequence. It's degrading and frankly not as effective as could be. Over 200 studies on behavioral management have shown that spanking isn't as other methods. Just make your wall artist clean it up. In the real world, your boss isn't going to shame you or smack you if you mess up. She's going to dock pay or fire you. If you forget to pay a bill without someone reminding you, you're going to not have any lights. I give my kids the gift of choice for things within reason. I offer a jacket, you refuse. Ok, you might be cold this time but I also give them the gift of a mom who doesn't nag or show frustration. We value working for something. And want to hear how mean I am? Tommy and I would like for the kids to have a job in high school and I'm not talking a little boutique so Grace can get a discount on cute dresses. If you can spend a summer working in a horse stable, what are you going to let hold you back after that? But, you might say, she won't ever have to do that with the opportunity for higher education she's had. Precisely, she's likely to be in a leadership position with people under her doing more of the dirty work. Better to be able to have appreciation and respect for your team in the workforce-- even the valuable crew who are cleaning toilets.
Grace has been saving for months for a treat from disney world when we go this spring. She's washed a lot of windows for it and whatever she gets is going to be a treasure to her. The dessert she purchased herself for her Friday lunch box could not taste sweeter to her. We value good old fashioned duty-- Benjamin didn't want to go to school one day. Benny, my love. You must go. You have big things to do in that classroom. You have friends who need your friendship, who need practice sharing and need to have fun with you. We can see how sad you are. It's ok to be sad. You have too big of things to do for us to say you can stay home today. When he came home he had a great time once he sat long enough with being sad and realized that his sister was right-- school is awesome. And guess what, our middle child came home and had the gift that only he could give himself-- pride. He had peed in a little potty and told us "My fwends needs a brudder". He knew that he was a great brother in our house, knew how important that role was and was proud that he was important to some of his younger friends in his class. I wouldn't have taken that from him for anything in the world. And we never lied. We knew what a huge deal it was for him to go to a new place without knowing a single soul. We knew it was going to suck the first day and we didn't try to talk him out of that fear or sadness. It is hard to parent that way. It's hard to see your child sad or disappointed. I knew I sent my little boy in his favorite cowboy shirt that I filled up his pocket with smooches and that's all he had. We have to do it anyway. We have to give them choices and let them own their failures and successes. We have to stop lying to them and saying "Even though you lost I think you are the best soccer player in the world"-- they'll never get better. We have to give them jobs in our homes so they feel like they are partners in its success and an important part of it. We have cohesiveness as a family and everyone understands their value to it. A messy playroom is a family problem. We have family meetings to problem solve together, talk about goals we all have individually and things we are proud of. True, the last meeting was mostly a Saints Football pep rally but Tommy united us as a family against the Bears so I guess it still works. We have to be strong enough to say "no" sometimes so they don't think the world owes them. What a gift to show a child that they make it through hard work instead of manipulation. Then we'll set them up for success-- real success and help change their generation or at least be set apart from their peers. If we're too strict, they will rebel. If we're too permissive they might get caught up with some of the wrong things. But, if we set the bar high and attainable, be available for support and help if needed and teach them how to rely on themselves, we give a gift beyond measure.
Word of warning-- this is exhausting parenting. Teaching a two year old to clean a spill is hard. Teaching a 5 year old how to organize what she'll need for her lunch box from the grocery store for the week is hard. But, our family flows now. I'm not resentful of people not doing their part or feeling unappreciated. I am a joyful parent. My kids are on the right path to self reliance and success. Right now we're starting good habits and I know that we'll be up against a lot of challenges in the future as they are more and more influenced by peers. We try to inoculate them against some of that by teaching analytical thinking and making the choice of courage and speaking your voice, and learning the hard lesson that what other people think about you is none of your business. Be you and you is wonderful-- not because we're telling you but because you discovered that for yourself. All of this does not mean I don't get frustrated or lose my patience sometimes. Sometimes I have to readjust and see that I'm putting too much or too little responsibility on them. It's all about balance and I'm doing the best I can even if it's not perfect. Still, I'm not guaranteed kids who don't do drugs or go through a teen pregnancy or aren't depressed. But, we've researched an made our parenting intentional and evidenced based so we feel like we're on track.
I highly recommend the book, Raising Self-Reliant Kids in a Self-Indulgent World. I also love Learned Optimism by Seligman. For Grace, we've tried to give her some role models. Hard to find them on film but here are some of the books that we've read that have role models of character and self-reliance: Horton Hatches an Egg for younger kids and some of Grace's favorite chapter books: A Little Princess, Little House on Prairie series, Black Beauty, The Boxcar Children, Island of the Blue Dolphins and right now we're reading Where the Red Fern Grows in which it takes the boy 2 years to earn enough money for dogs-- I mean, phew. I also recommend the original film, The Miracle Worker with the story of Helen Keller and the DISNEY version of Little House on the Prairie. We've had the best discussions. Think your child's not ready for chapter books? Have you tried? Their oral comprehension might be better than you think.
Part of knowing where a child can go is having a good framework and understanding of child development. So, let me add student to role of mama. This isn't easy. We're in it together so if you have good book ideas or helpful suggestions of what you do, PLEASE share it with me.
This is a call to arms. A call for us to put on the big girl britches and who our kids that we can do for ourselves too. We don't have to wait for Daddy to come home to put together a toy because it will involve a screw driver. We can do yard work, we can fix the broken sink. We can buy princess books-- yes you heard me. Buy them, discuss them and inoculate our girls against Helplessness dressed up with a tiara. We can set goals and do them and tell our kids how we set up a plan to run that half marathon. And, come on now. Let's all practice together. "No" and my favorite "Please kick a little harder on that tantrum, darling."